Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The Revenge of the Natives

English not your mother tongue? Does reading books by Indian authors who are only out to prove that they know English give you a headache? Are you still using outdated words like “shaped like a leaf” when what you actually want to say is “oblanceolate”? Then read on.

Do you often find yourelf at a loss for words, expecially adjectives and synonyns? Do you find your comprehension levels fall when reading something written by a person with a PhD in grandiloquence? Do words like pernicious, visceral, synaeresis, and postmodernism leave you stumped? Is there somebody you know who uses big words in a conversation that leaves you frustrated, because you don’t understand it and you’re too embarassed to ask and show your ignorance? Then read on.

Because now all your troubles are at an end. Now there is a solution! You can now increase your comprehension levels and add to your serverly limited vocabulary with just one simple download and a simple installation of a tool called WW. Simple to use, the only thing that will not be simple is your knowledge of English, or at least the words. Look at what happy users have to say:
• “Sooperaagide magaa” says Ramesha, a typist from Bengalooru who used this tool and is today the undisputed master of the adjective in his locality.
• Shreethamma from Kodagu says, “Now I can actually understand the meaning of the words that my city-bred, convent-educated cousin uses. What he’s trying to say is beyond me, but at least I understand the words. Thank you WW!!”
• Even Kaavya Vishwa from D-harvard uses our product. “I just internalised the words from about 5 books and used WW to find synonyms which I then pasted above the original words.”
• T.G.Shenoy in his usual magnificently obtuse and oblique fashion says, “The felicity of syncretism, in a neo-classical context when juxtaposed with the post-modernistic paronomasia and the dichromatic expression of the Fauvists is unfeignedly an augury of anaclisis and a splendid modus vivendi. Pederasty not included. And yes, the noetic prestidigitation of conjugal propinquity is not a sine-qua-non for the discernment of the zeitgeist of the present age and the ethos of the introuvable and the ineffable.”

See! As Mr.Shenoy has so kindly shown us, by using WW, you can even say intelligent-sounding stuff that doesn’t even have to mean anything. Total nonsense, as you can read in the para above. Yet, you will look like a star, a thinker and a true social commentator because the other ignoramooses will not want to admit they never did understand a word and will instead bow down to your superior intellect (read vocabulary) and nod their heads like Chennapatna dolls.

There you go. The wonders of WordWeb – the saviour for those of us for whom English is still a foreign language. Download now! Satisfaction guaranteed.

1 comment:

Sanga said...

Stupendously farcical ;)